Don't Call it a Comeback

I told you I wasn't done. You probably didn't believe me either. Well I showed you, didn't I?


Marmaduke 5/27/10

The obedience school jokes were old 20 years ago.  Please find a new joke to overuse and ruin.

Also, that was a pretty quick call for audit.  Marmaduke's Owner-Man must have filed quite some time ago.  I suppose he is nothing if not a financial wizard, I mean he's been feeding a dog of monstrous size for 50 decades.

Not Done Yet

Just so you all know, I'm not dead or in a coma or kidnapped or anything like that.  Just going through some shit right now.  Probably will be for quite some time too.  I hope to get back on the horse by the end of the summer.  Until then, rememeber to read the DCR each and every day.

Good Dick

Hold on, don't go yet, it's not what you think. There is no dick in this movie. Not even one. Although the story does revolve around a porn shop.

Or more specifically, a porn shop clerk. Or even more specifically, a porn shop clerk and a porn shop customer. The clerk, a dude, one day decides to go after the customer, a chick, while she's renting porn. She's clearly different from normal people, she never talks and rents porn pretty much every day. The guy lies and cheats his way into her building after stealing her address from the shop's computer and then lies to her to get into her apartment. Why does he do this? Well, apparently he loves her. Oh, and he lives in his car, maybe that has something to do with it.

It's apparent that she doesn't really appreciate his company, but she also doesn't force him to leave so it's unclear what is going on. It's also apparent that she has an odd relationship with sex. Has she watched too much porn? Was she assaulted? What's the deal?

Over the entire movie, the guy slowly grows the relationship with the girl until they're having dinner and watching porn together and even sleeping in the same bed, no sex though. It's really weird to watch because she continually pushes him away and insults him and he just keeps coming back. It becomes clear that she has had some kind of trauma in her life and we learn that the guy has had a sorted past, so maybe it's some kind of karmic fate that they are together.

Overall, Good Dick is really weird. It's awkward to see the guy try so hard to have a relationship with this girl that doesn't seem to want it. The way it works out is just plain weird. They end up together (surprise!) and presumably live happily ever after. It might have made more sense and been a better movie if it had ended differently, but I wasn't the one making the damn thing.

Good Dick receives:

3.3 out of 5

Watch Again? No

Recommend to friends? Only if your friends are weird

Big Fan

Have you ever loved something so much that you thought about it every minute of every day? Something you might call yourself a fan of? And I'm not talking about your wife or your kids. It could be a comic book character, a videogame, or, much more often, a sports team.

Big Fan is the story of one such man, Paul, with a passion for his team, the New York Football Giants. He's so obsessed that he writes up little speeches for his favorite call-in radio show, where he develops a rivalry with an Eagles fan, while he works as a parking lot attendant. He lives with his mother, whom he regularly wakes when calling the radio show, because of his fanaticism for the Giants. He even goes to the stadium with is friend even though they don't can't afford tickets and don't have any other friends to tailgate with.

And Paul doesn't mind one bit. He's perfectly happy being, what most would call, a loser. At least until he sees his favorite Giants player and follows him to a club in downtown New York. It's a wonderfully awkward scene and I won't spoil if for you except to say that after the events of the night, Paul's life is thrown into turmoil. His hotshot brother, a lawyer with an utterly horrible commercial that he debuts for the family, wants to sue the player. His call-in show rival finds out about it and tortures Paul with the info(seriously, have you ever listened to those shows? Those guys are heartless). The cops are investigating and want Paul to snitch. All Paul wants is for his team to win. Or does he? Does he want justice or for the Giants to be at full strength?

The player gets suspended from the league anyway (that damn conduct rule) and the Giants need one win the make the playoffs, against the rival Eagles no less. Paul's radio rival is gloating about the Eagles upsetting the beloved Giants when Paul decides enough is enough. He goes to Philly and finds the sportsbar his rival talks about all the time and finds his rival, Phil. What happens next leads Paul to jail where we get one last scene. Paul and his friend talking about the just-released NFL schedule.

This is my first movie review and the ratings are as such: 1 to 5 with two questions: watch again and recommend to friends.

Big Fan receives:

4.3 out of 5

Watch again? Yes

Recommend to friends? Yes

Mixed Commentary

There's some serious-type stuff at the end. Skip if you don't want to get political.

Funky Winkerbean 3/22/10

Hooray for racist remarks made to someone that is the race you're being racist towards!

I know that the clever punchline is supposed to make everything cool, but there really is no need to ever say the phrase 'mixed marriage' unless it's 1950 again. Maybe you can get away with it if you are really old. Maybe. As long as you aren't talking to someone of a different race.



The Pajama Diaries 3/22/10

A hematologist is a doctor that studies blood and conditions of the blood. Usually not a good thing to be talking to a hematologist.

Not sure what a JAK2 mutation is though. You'll have to look that up for yourself.

Luann 3/22/10

Quill is a master of the subtle insult. The writer of the strip, however, is not.

Also, could they just have Luann and Quill get drunk and have stupid sex already? I'm tired of waiting for them to get nasty so we can move to a new story.

State of the Union 3/22/10

Yeah, the country is doing so hot right now, any guesses as to why that might be? Think back to 2008, when that other guy was president. Remember how the financial system starting to go to shit all around us? How it was his administration that lead us from surplus to massive debt? How we went to war in a place where it was/is uncertain it was necessary? Remember all that shit we had to deal with? I do. So, yeah, I feel a bit better after 2009 than I did after the previous 7 years.

Why does everything political have to be so dumb? I think we should leave politics to the editorial cartoons. That goes for Doonesbury too, you Republican assholes that were thinking of being assholes.

Tuesday Once Again

I was gone.

Now I'm back.

Here's some comics.



Bewley 3/16/10

I hope this is a rerun. But even if it is, what the hell? Isn't there an editor or something that checks for this kind of thing? Anybody at all to make sure this kind of thing doesn't happen?

Other than being out of place, it's not too terrible of a comic.

Brenda Starr 3/16/10

Why can't he expose himself to corruption? That'd be way more fun.

And I'm pretty sure Solomon could solve this idiotic dilemma. He was smart, whereas this guy is dumb and tries to act smart by using phrases like 'existential question' when they don't really fit the conversation.



Bound and Gagged, Chuckle Bros 3/16/10


Is it Wizard of Oz day or something? An anniversary or birthday? Anything at all to justify 2 strips referencing it on the same day?

Even if it is some important day involving The Wizard of Oz, that's no excuse to phone it in like Chuckle Bros did. There isn't even a joke in there.



Eek! 3/16/10

I hope this is a rerun from 1995. If it isn't, then /slamheadintowallrepeatedly.

And The Joke Is?

Tuesday is the day before the middle of the week. Make of that what you will.



The Meaning of Lila 3/2/10

Lila either has the most boring job in the world or, much more interestingly, is extremely horny.



Home and Away 3/2/10

I know, how about you act like parents. You don't have to justify every decision to the satisfaction of a child, mostly due to the fact that it's impossible most of the time.

Or I suppose they could just tell her the truth: that they're both out of work and will have to sell her into slavery.

Frank & Ernest 3/2/10

Almost every time I read Frank & Ernest I want to chop down a tree. . .with my fist. Good thing I'm lazy and there are no trees in my house.



The Doozies 3/2/10

I can't imagine being so angry that being asked to turn on a light would set me off, but I've never worked in a lamp store.

He looks pretty pissed in all three panels, actually. I wonder what happened to make him so angry. Perhaps some simians got into the store and started breaking stuff?

Brewster Rockit 3/2/10

Indeed, the moon is slowly drifting away from the Earth. Pretty cool eh?

Not sure why you'd want to try to pull it towards Earth again. That would probably end up with the moon smashing into Earth. Good thing I don't have to worry about it.

Bewley 3/2/10

I can't find the aforementioned joke. Am I just dumb? What have I missed?

Heavy Rain

You've probably all heard the hype surrounding Heavy Rain. That it has the best graphics in the history of everything, ever. That it revolutionizes storytelling in games. Perhaps you've even heard that it isn't even a game.

If you've any of this then you've heard correctly. Well, mostly correctly. Heavy Rain is amazing in many ways and not so amazing in other ways. It's a game that you will either love or hate, there is very little room for like.

Let's address the hype one at a time, shall we? And I'll make it as spoiler-free as possible.

Graphically, Heavy Rain is beautiful, for the most part. The main characters are as lifelike as anything I've ever seen. You could count the individual hairs on their heads if you had the time. I don't think graphics can get any better on consoles this generation. But I must stress that this is for the main characters only. The ancillary players look good, but not anywhere near as good as the main cast. And as good as the characters look, they animate very poorly in some spots, especially the hands. Objects are also animated poorly, paper and clothing is stiff like it's been starched when being manipulated by the characters. That's not to say that all the animation is bad, the important moments look as good as they need too.

The story of Heavy Rain is like a 2 or 3 star action-thriller movie. The plot revolves around a man trying to find his son before he is killed by the Origami Killer. You follow multiple characters, but they are all essentially doing the same thing. Ethan Mars is the father of the kidnapped boy, Norman Jayden is an FBI agent working the Origami Killer case, Scott Shelby is a PI hired by the families of the Origami Killer's previous victims, and Madison Paige is a journalist that gets sucked into the whole mess. The story could be a 3 or 4 star movie if the Madison character was changed or removed all together. The way she gets involved in the story is so contrived it's sickening.

This game earns it's M rating with violence, language, and nudity. But even if there were no bad language and no nudity and could have been rated T, I would suggest an M rating anyway. This is an adult story and some of the choices you make will shake your nerves and not in the 'zombie-dog-jumping-through-a-window' kind of way. And they aren't 'say-something-nice-or-say-something-mean' choices as encountered in Mass Effect. They are real choices that effect the outcome of the story and have devastating consequences on the characters.

The story-telling in Heavy Rain is revolutionary, if only because it's about something other than shooting bad guys or finding the princess. The characters have depth, real depth. You can understand why Ethan would do anything to save his son. You can feel how badly Agent Jayden wants to catch the Origami Killer. You get that working the same case for years has taken a toll on Shelby. They aren't just random space marines on a suicide mission to save the universe. Well, Madison is, but you can't have it all.

The great thing about the story in Heavy Rain is that it ebbs and flows with your decisions. You actions have real consequences and anyone and everyone can die. And if they do, the game compensates and keeps on going. There is no 'good' or 'bad' ending, just different endings. If you want two characters to get romantic you can, even if it makes no sense that, with hours left to save a child's life, people would be having sex. It's your call.

Not that I've played through and made every possible choice. That would be a monumental task since choices build on each other and once you've finished the game there is little motivation to play again. The story is tied up so tight at the end that there is nothing left to discover. The best movies always leave you with questions when they're over, it's why The Matrix is so great and it's sequels are so boring, they try to explain everything. Heavy Rain wants you to know everything, which is fine but it could have been so much more than it is.

As for what it is, Heavy Rain is basically an interactive movie. Such a thing has been promised before, but it really is the best description I can give. Instead of the usual left stick moves you and right stick controls your view, the camera is fixed and moves with you. Sometimes it offers multiple angles on the screen at once to simulate a movie. Unlike every other game created in the last 20 years, you hold a button in order to move. It's awkward, but works well enough the majority of the time. You don't have direct control over a character when the action picks up anyway. Critical action scenes are elongated QTE's so if you hate those you will hate this game. You have no direct control over the character, but instead must perform the action show on screen, be it a button press or shaking the sixaxis controller to simulate struggling against a foe.

Between action scenes, you can interact with the environment and hear the thoughts bouncing around in the character's head's. While calm you can easily see the choices, but when nervous or scared the choices for thoughts and actions bounce around erratically making it hard to find exactly what you want to do. It's a simple and very effective way to simulate actually being frightened. But don't take too long to pinpoint what you want to do or the game will make a decision for you.

Heavy Rain is a game that either lives up to it's hype or it doesn't, it's all in the eye of the beholder. I suspect that 'hardcore' gamers will dislike the lack of traditional gameplay, but what the hell do they know? Not much, because Heavy Rain is one of the best stories on consoles today.

9.7 out of 10

Good stuff

Beautiful graphics

Characters with character

Bad stuff

Objects animated in 1999

Madison Paige

Why?! stuff

Holding a button to move

RBS*

Thursday. Not much else to say. Enjoy.



Animal Crackers 2/25/10

I'm at a loss. What is that supposed to be around his neck?

Frog Applause 2/25/10

I can spout random stupidity too, only I don't get any money or recognition for it.

Is my contempt for Frog Applause obvious enough?

Gil Thorp 2/25/10

Look, if the guy's perfectly happy being the janitor at his former high school then I don't see a problem. Maybe there was a really mean bully at State and poor little Steve got picked on. Besides, as a high school janitor he's got his pick of jailbait ass.

For my next trick I'm only going to give you the bolded text from the strip(you can see the strip by clicking the link. Can you guess which one it is? More importantly, think about the bolded words. Are they appropriate? Does it make sense that they are bolded? Keep in mind that bold is supposed to denote emphasis, much like italics.

Unknown Comic 2/25/10

Yeah...Used...Brothers. Green Purist...Figured out...Pure...Impotent. Argued?

*Random Bolding Syndrome

The Struggle of Man Against His Dark Nature

I return! After many days of laziness and computer failure there shall be a new wave of content at BOCAOS. Many comics posts will be the main component of this content, but TV and movie reviews are also in the works. And as soon as I can figure out what I want to say about Mass Effect 2 I'll write a review. Also, Heavy Rain is out today so a review should be expected this weekend. Also due today is the third piece of DLC for Borderlands so I'll write that up when I get around to it.

Also, wheels are in motion at DCR. Secret wheels. Oh, and they want a writer for Monday and Tuesday so feel free to go there and check it out. There's a link in the sidebar.

Also also, if you want to comment on something older than a week you'll find moderation because I'm being flooded with spam. (well not flooded, but quite a bit and for some reason exclusively on older posts)

2 Cows and a Chicken 2/23/10

The actual punchline is pretty lame, but the nonsensical phrases "Are pine trees edible?" and "I'm cravin' a pine tree!" are pretty damn great.

Daddy's Home 2/22/10

I'm not a slave to Apple so I haven't been following coverage of the iPad very closely, but from what I have heard it's basically a giant iPhone that doesn't make calls. Whoopie.

Also, anyone that follows a company, a fucking corporation, blindly is the dumbest kind of person. I know that you think Apple is different and that they're not like other companies. The truth is that Apple wants to make money. They do that by producing things you want. Only problem is that now they have started producing things and then telling you that you want it. I think they chose the name iPad just to see how stupid people really are.

Frank & Ernest 2/23/10

I just hope that that tree falls on them both and finally ends it.

Frog Applause 2/23/10

What the hell is this? Does anyone actually enjoy this? It's not funny, it's not smart, what the hell is the point of it?

This reminds me of 'modern art' where someone shits in a jar and calls it 'the struggle of man against his dark nature.'

No, it's not the struggle of man against his dark nature, it's shit in a jar.

Ink Pen 2/23/10

The problem with doing references is that you inherently limit your audience. I have no idea what Glen Close has to do with rabbits. I'm assuming that she did a movie involving the subject and I could look it up, but if I need to look it up then it becomes just a useless piece of knowledge and not a joke and all I wanted was a joke.

Seriously, I have so many pieces of useless knowledge in my head that I think any more will do serious harm.

Love is... 2/23/10

So love is when you trick your boyfriend/husband/only other human living in the Garden of Eden into condemning an entire religion (or everyone ever if you happen to believe in said religion) to eternal damnation even if they're only just born and can't have possibly committed a crime against anyone?

That's a pretty fucked up version of love.



Pluggers 2/23/10

In fact, they aren't even SUV's, they're trucks with toppers on them.

The End of Ziggy

Comics.com is being dumb and only sending me 3 comics in the email that should have around 30 so you have to deal with the gocomics.com logo.



Pickles 2/9/10

Pickles is quickly becoming my favorite strip. If it can give me a few more sentences that twisted up it'll be at the top of the list.

And why did he hit the ball so hard? The glass is right there, a light tap should do it. Just taaaap it in. Tap, tap, tap-a-roo.



Ziggy 2/9/10

It could get very ugly indeed as the computer would need to have consciousness to have a psychosomatic anything. It's obviously a pretty smart self-aware computer because it designed it's own virus. Hopefully this means that the Ziggy universe will be collapsing under the weight of a machine ware very soon.

That would make an awesome strip. Or at least better than what Ziggy does now.

Whee!

You get zero guesses where I got these comics from.


Brenda Starr 2/8/10

Twitter must have jumped the shark pretty hard because it seems like it's popping up in comic strips all the time these days and it's being depicted more and more accurately.

Also, 'tweeting twerp' is actually sort of clever. It's not great, but it's not horrible either.



Rabbits Against Magic 2/8/10

Some newer diseases do seem made up by drug companies and doctors but they are usually real.

Restless Leg Syndrome is a real problem, just not for as many people as are currently diagnosed with it. The problem is that companies advertise their drugs that cure 'syndrome Q' on TV and gullible people see the ads and then 'discover' that they have had this disorder all their life and they never knew about it. Then they go to their doctor and demand the medication and since the doctor has heard the same stupid thing 10 times already that day just prescribes the medication after the patient tells them that they have all the symptoms of 'syndrome Q'.

It's the same with things like webMD. People go on there and type in some symptoms and decide that they have African Sleeping Sickness and go to their doctor and the doctor has to waste time telling the person that they can't possibly have African Sleeping Sickness for a number of reasons.

The moral of the lesson is that part of the reason that the US health system is so screwed up is because people are wasting doctor time to get checked for illnesses they couldn't get unless they tried really hard. I wouldn't doubt that at least 10 morons went to the doctor last year because they thought they had polio.

Also, 'SMECK!' is a pretty sweet sound effect.

B.C. 2/8/10

Man's finest ego is not ice fishing. It's breathing and feeding tubes and all the other medical wonders that can keep dead people alive.

Although they might not remember those things in the future-past that is the setting for B.C.

Also, that's not how you would want to do that. Plus that ice would weigh quite a bit and I'm pretty sure that he's not that strong.

Not Today

I was going to do a post today, but I am just too angry to type.

Short and to the Point

Today is Tuesday and that means you can see the comic I made for Carafe. I think it might be the funniest thing on the Internet ever.*

*This is a lie.

Frazz 2/2/10

Hahahaha, some holidays are silly and made up. I can't imagine why they didn't make fun of Thanksgiving, Christmas (the one with Santa, I'm not trying to belittle Christians), Easter (the rabbit version), Columbus Day, President's Day, or Labor Day.

The fact is that every holiday started off with some crazy person doing something no one else had done before. And just about every holiday is based on some weird belief or tradition. I mean honestly, a fat man with magic reindeer coming down your chimney? A rabbit that lays eggs?

You can't make fun of Groundhog Day and Valentine's Day if you're not going to make fun of all the other silly holidays.



Brevity 2/2/10

Is that a phobia that people have? I know that people can get sick from circular motion, but I've never heard of anyone being afraid just because.

At any rate, it's still not really very funny. If she was afraid of circular motion, why would she willingly go on a ferris wheel? Maybe it's part of her treatment, but if it is then it's still not funny.

Unsolved Mystery

Frazz 2/1/10

Every time the teacher asks if there are any more questions that annoying black kid asks a completely retarded question. Is that supposed to be funny? Because I don't find it to be anywhere near funny.

Farcus 2/1/10

But who's talking?! We finally have an answer to this question of the ages and we can't tell which one conceded!? Why? Why? Wwwhhhhyyyyyyy?!! My life will never be complete until the mystery is solved and Farcus just brought me as close as ever to solving it before slapping me in the face.

Moderately Confused 2/1/10

Is this a joke about US presidents being white or that the current president is black? Either way it seems like it might be racist.

Carrots and Peas

If you are interested, you should go visit Carafe. It's a hot, new webcomic that is willing to put up almost anyone's strips. Even mine! Which will be featured next Tuesday.



Arlo & Janis 1/28/10

Arlo has finally snapped and murdered the cat. He's trying to disguise it by putting it in a stew, but the fatal flaw in his plan was that blood does not look similar to tomato sauce. Now he'll be charged with animal cruelty and sentenced to whatever the sentence is for animal cruelty in his city, county, or state, whichever has jurisdiction in these types of matters.



Grand Avenue 1/28/10

I must admit that I laughed at this, but then again, I have the mind of a child.



Ballard Street 1/28/10

Certainly the intent is to make us think that Gordon is a homosexual, but I think he just likes to dance in the park where strangers can watch him. I think it gets him sexually excited and that afterwards he goes home to his lover, who is of the opposite sex, and has passionate sex until they are both exhausted.

Pickles 1/28/10

I don't not disagree that this is confusing, but the writer surely didn't think that anyone wouldn't care.

I do think that the old guy is pretty smart for playing the confusion card on his wife to get her to go away.

Well-Rounded Post

It's so cold and windy here today that the school canceled all classes for the first time in over 10 years. So even if you don't enjoy the post today you can enjoy the fact that it probably doesn't suck as much where you live as it does where I live.

Another game review should be up by the end of Saturday. So look for that if you enjoy that kind of thing.

The Meaning of Lila 1/25/10

There isn't a more realistic character in a comic strip that I am aware of. Lila is one of my favorite strips when it's being real and one of my most hated when it tries to be comic-y. Keep it real John and everything will be fine.



Pickles 1/25/10

That-old-guy-who's-name-I-forget is awesome. He doesn't care about the wrath of his wife anymore, he just wants his grandson to learn that women should be ignored as much as possible and that in the future might be able to be silenced with but a thought.



Lola 1/25/10

If Lola wasn't at risk for diabetes before, she will be if she finishes that breakfast. All she needs is a glass of chocolate milk to top everything off.

Also, I like how her son (?) just sits there, offering no advice on what a well-balanced breakfast would actually consist of. It's almost as if he wants Lola to go into a diabetic coma. I can't really blame him, Lola is pretty mean sometimes.


It's All About You 1/25/10

I know that I come off as an asshole most of the time because I simply whine and complain about comic strips, so I'm going to give constructive criticism to this strip.

First, if really want to use this joke I suggest switching where he characters are sitting. It gives a better flow to the first panel if the "PFF!" is on the right side and the eye doesn't need to wander back over the first speech balloon to get the the second panel.

Second, use a better joke.

Alright, that wasn't all constructive, but I tried.