Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Short and Long of It

A short post today, for those of you that don't have the attention span to, oh, look a bird. What was I saying? Oh yeah, the post is short so you can fini. Did I remember to feed the dog? Damn, I forgot again. Whatever, here's the post.

Wizard of Id 3/31/09
Do you really want to crack jokes about people losing their jobs right now? Doesn't seem like the best way to go with the current job market.

Also, Wizard of Id is really lame, even when it has a real joke.

Cow & Boy 3/31/09
You may not be able to see it, but it kind of looks like a laptop glued to Cow's ass. Would that make it an asstop computer?

Luann 3/31/09
Cue sexy-time music and Luann will make the jump to full porn.

Tune in next week as Luann makes the leap to hardcore.

Monday, March 30, 2009

The Biggest Post in the World

A Super-Hugely Gigantic Post for you today. Enjoy.

Speed Bump 3/30/09
Another crappy wordplay. Comic strips would be lost without them, as seen here.

The Barn 3/30/09
Now here's a wordplay I can get behind.

Side note: any hockey franchise would love to have a cow on its team. Imagine how much damage a cow could dish out on the ice. Sweetness.

Secret Asian Man 3/30/09
Sadly this is how almost everyone reacts when asked to help with volunteer work. Except all those awesome people that went to help fill sandbags in Fargo last week. Those people are cool.

Nancy 3/30/09
This is not a question for a horrible comic strip. It's not even a question for a good comic strip. This is a question for those among us that have way to much f***ing time and can afford to waste it debating nothing with no one.

Monty 3/30/09
Time travel should never be used for anything, ever. So this guy went back and is thought to be Lincoln's assassin. What happened to Booth? Time travel can never work because there is no way to predict all the variables of what will change simply because there is one more person in that time period than there should be.

Side note: Don't ruminate on time travel for more than a few minutes or you will bleed from the nose.

Luann 3/30/09
Luann - the soft-core porn of the comics page.

Grand Avenue 3/30/09
Why is there always this kid in class? It doesn't even matter what grade level you're talking about, there is always an overachiever that does way more than needed.

If you can't tell, I'm not one of those people. Although I possess an extremely high IQ, I hate to do more than is required. This is why I have yet to complete one semester of community college even though I have attempted it three times.

Two more months and I'll be done with a whole, entire year, so I'm nearly there.

Free Range 3/30/09
Just off panel there is a pedophilic serial killer.

Clearly they did not think this joke through.

Flight Deck 3/30/09
Is that what widows really talk about? And how f***ed in the head do you have to be to still blame stuff on your husband 8 years after he dies?

This panel just supports the stereotype that married women are the bitchiest things in the world.

I do not think that, just in case you were wondering.

Agnes 3/30/09
In a related story, I've been pre-approved for a loan, 13 credit cards, and I may have won $1 million.

Did that make you laugh? It shouldn't, this joke is getting pretty old.

Ten, count'em, ten comics today. I hope you're happy now because this big a post doesn't come around very often.

The Conclusion

You didn't think I forgot about the last Word of the Day, did you? Well, I didn't, so here is the finale that helps you understand the beginning.

Diverticulum - an abnormal outpouching of a body structure, ususally of the intestine.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Herb & Jamaal Sucks

That's a really bad post title, but I'm tapped at the moment. There's a Word of the Day if you keep scrolling down a bit after you finish reading this post. Enjoy.

Ben 3/27/09

How did she know that he grabbed a muffin? Or is it a cupcake? Whatever. This is the number one reason to own a dog.

Rose is Rose 3/27/09
I don't know or care about what is happening in the dialog, I want to know what is going on with his face? It looks like he has mouth like a squid or octopus. I could draw that well and I have no fingers.

Ferd'nand 3/27/09
Airplanes have the overhead storage covered and limits on what you can shove in there, so they have to be on a bus or train. Buses usually have storage underneath, so that leaves train. Who travels by train anymore? Does Ferd'nand live on the East Coast?

Herb & Jamaal 3/27/09
Another scathing observation from Herb & Jamaal.
Of course mechanics don't make a profit on parts, that's why they charge for labor. If they didn't then they would go broke.
Why do newspapers still pay for this crap? This joke was old in the '50's; the fact that someone got paid money to write this is a crime.

A What in the Who-Now?

Finally, a Word of the Day. I know it's been a long time and that I suck, but here you go.

Meckel's Diverticulum - A congenital diverticulum formed by the incomplete obliteration of the vitelline duct

Stayed tuned if you want to find out what a diverticulum is.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Wrath of the Vacuum

Another daily dose of comic bashing is on the way to your mind. Prepare yourself.

Rubes 3/26/09What do they what equality for? And why don't they have shoes on?

Rubes fails today, as it usually does.

Pickles 3/26/09


What the hell does that mean? Is opal a good thing?

Moderately Confused 3/26/09
The writer couldn't come up with a more original name for a Chinese restaurant than Hunan Palace?
So the joke is that the guy doesn't know that you can buy fortune cookies at the store? Or is it that he thinks the fortunes at Hunan Palace are better than at the other palaces?
I hate comic panels sometimes.

B.C. 3/26/09
B.C. is continuing to add unintentional humor with inappropriate sound effects.
At least SNATCH is better than POOP.

Dog Eat Doug 3/26/09
Dr. Who is cool.
That is all.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I Love Big Cable Networks

As promised, here is another large post for you. Try not to laugh too loud, I don't want you getting in trouble at work.

The Buckets 3/25/09

I think Ricky is the only one actually made by a child. The other ones were made by the parent(I don't want to be sexist unintentionally) that has experience with woodworking.

My favorite is the NASA one because it probably cost $100 million to make and will explode after 3 uses.

(Too soon?)

Neurotica 3/25/09
I think she's distressed because she has no arms in the second panel. They just disappear and then reappear in the last panel. I'd hate to see the person that looks good when that happens.

Minimum Security 3/25/09
Panic: our only growth industry.
And yes, I stole that from the Colbert Report. Airing Monday-Thursday at 10pm central time. Only on Comedy Central.
I wonder if I'll get something for the free advertising for the Colbert Report on Comedy Central?
Probably not, I hear Viacom is an evil corporation.
But that's not what I believe. In my opinion Viacom is a friendly company that loves its employees and cares about the Earth.
I love Viacom.*

The Fusco Brothers 3/25/09
What is going on here? He seems to be drinking, but I don't know why Chuck would be upset by that.
This comic is really stupid sometimes.
Or is it me?
It's hard to make a sentence with only 2 letter words. Try it sometime.

This next one make an appearance due to a reader request/suggestion. A reader sent me an e-mail about yesterday's Eek!, but it was after I had already done the day's work so I decided to do today's Eek! especially for her.
Eek! 3/25/09
Saturday Night Live did this joke a long time ago. It was a Christopher Walken episode.
It would be weird to work with someone that didn't wear pants. You'd always be staring at their genitals. It would be doubly weird if it was a centaur, what with the giant horse penis and all.

Cul de Sac 3/25/09
My "boss" at The DCR really like Cul de Sac, but after reading this garbage I can't understand why. Maybe it's just an off day for the strip, or maybe he's off his rocker.

Adam @ Home 3/25/09
This comic is the equivalent of a man saying that he hasn't had cervical cancer.
That's how stupid Adam @ Home is.

*If you got the reference then please get out of my head.
Wow! I'm impressed that over 11 people voted on the last poll. In fact 12 people voted. That's at least twice as many votes as the last poll. Anyway, it seems most people are looking for 4 or 5 comics each day. And some people want me to do every comic every day. You people are the definition of crazy. However, at least one of you sent me an e-mail and explained that you didn't really want me to do all the comics every day, which was nice.

The problem for me remains: how do I maintain an update schedule of 5 or so comics a day? The answer? I average 5 comics a day. That way I can do 6 or 7 on days that I have the time and 2 or 3 when I don't have as much time. So you can expect to see a varience in the number of comics that appear here each day, but they will still be terrible and I will still make fun of them.

Word of the Day, it should be noted, has become more Word of the Moment because I haven't the time to think of an interesting word every damn day. So if you were looking for that daily, you can stop because it will be very erratic. Sorry, but that's the way it is.

Look for a comic update later today.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

USPS Is Better Than UPS Because They Have An Extra Letter

Sorry about yesterday, but I was overloaded. I still have a lot on my plate, but I have some extra time so it all works out. Here's an extra-large update for you.

B.C. 3/24/09 Is "POOP" supposed to be a sound effect? Because all I'm getting is that the bird took a crap between the panels.

Flo & Friends 3/24/09 Haha, another joke about old people and how they have bad memories. Hahaha. Stop, stop, you're killing me with your originality.

Rudy Park 3/24/09
How does this relate to the recession? People have been failing to be healthy for decades, not just in the last year.
Why do comic strips even try to be up-to-date.

Pickles 3/24/09
Oh, my.
Why? Why? That's all I want to know. WHY!!??

Momma 3/24/09
Yes, all of us men are sociopaths that want to capture women to be our personal slaves.
What would comic strips do if stereotypes didn't exist? I think they would cease to be and we could all get on with our lives.

Herb & Jamaal 3/24/09
Does that mean she thinks he is stupid? There are much better and simpler ways to insult someone, especially when you aren't even talking out loud. You can think anything to yourself and no one will ever know, so why use some kind of insane metaphor.
I have never heard anyone say that in reference to anything, ever. Not even in reference to an actual path.

The Dinette Set 3/24/09
Fuck you, Dinette Set. Fuck you. My dad was a postal carrier and was on time every motherfucking day. Even the days when it snowed 6 feet in an hour, you could count on the mail being delivered. So fuck you for being ignorant assholes.
Sorry about all that, but I have strong feelings when you insult my family, even if it's not directly or intentionally.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Say it ain't so

Sorry, no update today. I'm swamped with homework and the like. I'll make up for it tomorrow.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Funny Post Title Goes Here

Super-duper post today to make up for the lack of one yesterday.

And unless I get some votes other than doing every comic every day, I may have to change the poll. Come on guys, there is no way to do that many comics in one day.

But I digress, here is what we have today:

Rudy Park 3/20/09
I think that AIG has cost the government, which means the American people, way more than Lehman Brothers ever could have. We've given mulitple multi-billion dollar loans to AIG and the government now owns about 80% of the company. Lehman Brothers may have screwed quite a few people, but not as many as AIG.

Did you know that AIG stands for American International Group? What the hell does that even mean? And they are, probably, going to change the name once they get back to being a profitable company because of all the negative things that AIG conjures in the imagination. Do people really fall for that? Do people think that Phillip Morris is a good company since they changed their name to Altria? Feel free to leave thoughts in the comments.

Girls & Sports 3/20/09
That's what I call a win-win scenario. She gets to go to a fancy restuarant and he gets to watch basketball for 90 minutes.

I'm not sure why anyone would want to watch basketball for 90 minutes, but I guess that's a personal choice.

Betty 3/20/09
Why is that troubling? That guy is contributing to society way more than any of us are. He is getting people interested in physiology and biology. All we do is sit in our chairs and write mean things about comic strips. I'm not saying being mean to comic strips isn't fun, it just doesn't contribute to society in a meaningful way.

The Barn 3/20/09
Actually, the Earth will be in alignment with the center of the galaxy, or something like that. Somehow the Mayans knew that it would happen on that date 3000 years ago, or whenever they made the calender.

And is clover an important resource or something? Or is it just that the disappearance of clover would be devasating to a sheep?

Herb & Jamaal 3/20/09
Yes, Herb & Jamaal, no one really reads the nutritional facts. My question is this: why is he eating chips? Has he run out of money and can't afford anything else anymore? That's my hope.

Cow & Boy 3/20/09
Without all the Irish stuff a leprechaun is just a midget.

Or dwarf, whatever your preference is.

Natural Selection 3/20/09
"Dehydrated Water, it's got that concentrated water flavor!"

But seriously, people said that bottled water would never catch on and look how popular it is. Bottled water is so popular that it has single-handedly advanced the destruction of the planet by at least 3000 years. Come on people, just get the water from your sink, it's the same mother-fucking stuff.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

My Oh My, Why Would You Lie?

Sorry, but I've had my hands full with other things lately. No comic update today, unless I can pull off a miracle.

Leiomyosarcoma - a malignant tumor of smooth muscle tissue.

It sounds much more impressive than it really is.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Make Tonight a HuManwich Night

Just in case you didn't read about it already(and most of you didn't) there is a new poll, no really, it's over the the right of your screen, towards the top, it's about how much content you want to see, so I suggest that you vote on it, or I'll just start doing whatever the hell I want, and nobody wants that.

Did you realize that the last paragraph was a single sentence? It probably shouldn't be, but I wanted to see how long I could keep it going. Well, anyway, here's the day in comics:

The Barn 3/18/09
Yeah, chicks dig cows too. But not sheep, chicks hate sheep.

Rubes 3/18/09
Would this be any funnier if it were a human standing there and the last option was HuManwiches? I think it would, although, I am a cannibal.

F-Minus 3/18/09
The real trick is how he managed to tie himself in a way that he can't untie himself. I would pay more to see that than I would to see someone untie themselves.

Ferd'nand 3/18/09
I must say that I think it would be really hard to write a strip everyday without using words. Having said that, what the hell is going on? How is this a joke? And why is Ferd'nand trying to farm in his back yard?

The Buckets 3/18/09
Do young children really care about Star Wars anymore? I think that's more of a phenomenon for young-adults.
I guess Star Wars is still getting exposure through the Cartoon Network show. Did you know that they played it during Adult Swim last weekend?

B.C. 3/18/09
The only joke I see in the 4 panels presented to me is that the bird's callsign is Dookie 1. Everything else is just filler to me.

Congrats for making it all the way through today's post. You win the prize of satisfaction, unless you hated everything I said. Then you are just weird, why did you read it all if you hated it?

New Poll

Dudes(or Ladies), there is a new poll about how much content you want each day. I suggest that if you vote on any poll this week, let it be this one. It will help me tailor what I do to what you want.

Remember: it's all for you.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Poll Results

Well, the people have spoken: Word of the Day is here to stay. At least until I run out of words that I know. I would like to know who thinks that they know every word that has ever been uttered in human history, I think that might be interesting. I am kind of disappointed that no one feels stupid because the main point of Word of the Day was to make all others feel inferior to my knowledge.

Fruit? No Thanks. I'll Stick to Fats and Sugars

Here we are again. Enjoy the day's post.

Lola 3/17/09
Hahaha! What a great joke! Only a stupid animal would eat fruit and nuts. Hahaha!

Well, except for the people that enjoy not getting colon cancer.

And hippies. But they really are stupid.

Cheap Thrills 3/17/09
Why would anyone thing to eat a poached egg in an avocado? Poached egg = gross. Avocado = okay. Poached egg inside an avocado = not cool at all.

Betty 3/17/09
I hope they're going to see a movie. A theater production involving skinless dead people would be very disturbing.
Also, that's a really long way to go for a joke about sunburn.

Ballard Street 3/17/09
I think the point of this panel is that you should never annoy Joyce because she'll stab you with a fork. I hope that's the point because there doesn't seem to be much of a punchline here.